The Critic, The Coach, and The Advocate
And: A big book announcement!
Hey friend,
Self-talk is a hell of a thing, and for my highly critical brain, it has largely just been hell.
Over the past few months in therapy, I’ve been ruminating on my core beliefs about myself and how I speak to/about myself, and it has been uncomfortable, illuminating, and valuable work. One therapy technique that has stuck with me has been identifying the voices that play a role in my self-talk and naming them. The premise is that if I can name who is speaking, I can decide if they’re a voice worth listening to — or if I should kindly tell them to shut up.
There’s The Critic, who has been my longest-running self-talk partner; The Coach, a newer member, and The Advocate, a quiet voice who is gaining more volume these days. As it relates to the current debut book journey that I’m on, these three have had a lot to say.
The Critic says “You know you could have written a better book, right? Is this book really any good, or is it just mediocre? And the people who have read advance copies and complimented it — you know they’re lying, right?”
The Advocate says “This book is better than The Critic remembers, and the version of you that wrote it over the last few years did her absolute best. She did her best with the resources she had and without the resources she lacked, and she did her best with what she knew and what she didn’t. She wrote a beautiful book that is going to mark a moment in time in your life, and if you knock that, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. This book will find the people that it’s meant to find, and it will serve them well.”
The Coach stands somewhere in between the two, saying “You wrote a damn good book, and I’m gonna let you celebrate. But remember — we’re gonna get back to work so that we can keep improving our craft.”
I used to think I needed The Critic to help keep me sharp, but I’ve noticed that as I’ve started to give more room for The Advocate to take the stage, it’s also allowed The Coach to make herself known. I firmly believe that The Critic is here to help protect me, albeit through very extreme and heavy-handed measures. The Critic keeps my expectations low so I won’t be let down. She never wants me to get too high on the good things because she knows something bad could be around the corner. She doesn’t want me to think too highly of myself because she wants me to know I can always be better.
So, I thank her for her concern, but lately, I’ve been telling her to pass the mic. Instead of taking what The Critic says at face value, I ask The Advocate what she thinks and I let The Coach chime in with her take. Then, and only then, do I decide who I’ll listen to and who will guide my next move.
And next moves are things that I am thinking a lot about these days, because — *drumroll* — my book, The Book of Possibilities, will be out on April 8, 2025!
The Critic, The Advocate, and The Coach will be deafening in the months to come, but I hope I can add your support to the cacophony of sound. This book was written during a time when I couldn't see much possibility for myself. I couldn’t see where my life was going, couldn’t figure out how I’d regain control of it, and couldn’t see a way up when I was at my lowest. I started writing it to remind myself that possibility existed, and have imagined my daughters, other women, and other intelligent and curious people reading it to remind themselves of the presence of possibility too.
The Book of Possibilities is a beautiful essay collection that touches on how small acts of bravery and paying careful attention to our inner voice can open up a world of opportunity. It’s not a prescriptive tome telling what to do in life, but an offering that simply asks you to ask questions of yourself. I am incredibly in love with this book and what it means to me, but I know that I must prepare to release it to the world. I hope, as The Advocate says, that it will find the people it's meant to find.
If you think that's you, please pre-order your copy! I've learned that pre-orders are extremely important for the business of books, and if you're able, I'd love your support to show that this book is as important as I believe it is.
U.S./International pre-order link
Stay tuned for much more to come. Underneath The Critic, The Coach, and The Advocate, there's just me. And right now, my very own voice is saying “I'm so proud of us.”
Self-talk can be hell, but it can be a beautiful thing too.
xo,
Bee
QUICK NOTES
Songs of the moment: Hop Out Cho Feelins x Kai Banx, Smino, and Buddy; Supernova x IDK and TheARTI$t; Lyin x Zyah Belle; We Set Di Trend x Beenie Man
What I’m watching: Real Housewives of Potomac, Martin, and Living Single
New in Book Land: Pre-order your copy now, in Canada or the U.S./International (support local bookstores if you can!)
Things my kids have said: The 10yo understands what “weaponized incompetence” is, and I know that no raggedy somebody is gonna play with her when she’s older. The 7yo did a remix of A Lot x 21 Savage ft. J. Cole in honour of Remembrance Day. No matter what you imagine that sounds like, you’ll never guess it. Lol.
CHECKING IN
Who are the voices behind your self-talk? Have you named them? Have you asked them why they speak to and about you the way they do?